Ultrasound Memory from Jennifer Byard

I found out about my second pregnancy through a friend’s dream. I was skeptical at first. We’d only been trying for three months with this baby, and our first son took three years to conceive. But five pregnancy tests don’t lie, and I was thrilled to be pregnant with number two.

Just like with my first, I immediately starting thinking about the future…would this baby look like me? Could I love another baby as much as my first? Would this baby be a boy or girl?

My husband John and I were talking about the baby’s sex as the tech started our 18-week ultrasound. We wanted her to write down the sex of the baby and put it in an envelope for us to open at lunch. As she scanned, the room seemed really quiet. After a few minutes, she told us she had something that she needed the doctor to look at. I immediately knew in my heart what she had seen.

John and I sat quietly in that room waiting for the doctor, adrenaline pumping and praying that the tech was just inexperienced, maybe having a bad day. The specialist came in for a look, and his face confirmed my fears. He asked us to get dressed and wait outside his office. The tech came out and handed us an envelope…the baby’s sex. I remember thinking how insignificant this was. We opened the envelope while we waited. “Boy”.

The doctor called us in his office to discuss what he had seen. He had called our obstetrician’s office to get the results of our recent triple marker test. Before he said the words, I remember thinking “my baby boy has Down Syndrome”. When the words finally came, there was a tone of excitement in his voice. I knew that as a neonatal specialist, this was a “find” for him. A victory for him to catch a birth defect in-utero, and our life was changed forever in that same second.

Although it took a week to confirm the diagnosis by amniocentesis, my grief started immediately. I could already feel the baby moving in my body, and the baby that had felt so familiar immediately felt foreign to me. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that it was same baby that had been there the day before. I was 33 years old. Didn’t older women have babies with Down syndrome? What did I do to make this happen? I couldn’t stop thinking about everything that I had lost. Mostly I feared the unknown. I feared the future with a child who would never be able to live on his own, would never marry or have children, and who would always be different.

When the amnio comes back with a diagnosis of Down syndrome, you are ushered into a room with a genetic counselor. In this room you’re told the worst-case scenarios and given options. I was so thankful for our faith at the moment. Fear can cause you to do things you wouldn’t normally consider. We knew that for whatever reason, this baby was still our son.

The next five months were a roller coaster for us. Children with Down syndrome are at much higher risk of dying in utero, so I went to the hospital weekly for stress tests and ultrasounds. My husband and I grieved differently. Beyond the feelings of sadness and loss, there’s also anger…both at the circumstance and the way that others respond. When your baby has a birth defect it’s hard to hear other’s version of the “up-side”. It was hard for my husband. After the first few weeks, despite the sadness, I was able to start feeling bonded to my baby again. John had to deal with the guilt of feeling disconnected and at times not wanting the baby to be born.

At 35 weeks, I went in one morning for the usual testing, and found out that our baby was having trouble. We met with the doctor and made the hard decision to deliver him early, rather than risk the last few weeks. After an amnio to check that his lungs were developed, we arrived back at the hospital that evening to deliver our son. Five months after our ultrasound, having moved from grief to understanding and acceptance, we joyfully welcomed our son into the world on February 4th, 2005.



We named him Ben, “son of the right hand of God”. His tiny ears, his adorable little nose, his precious little hands, all created just for our family. He is our middle child, surrounded by brothers on both sides. Above all we’ve learned that the things in life that you would never ask for are the most joyful things of all. Our life is better because of Ben.

From Jennifer Byard of My Three Sons Design.
Drawing by Betsy Watson as seen on sfgirlbybay.

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Note from Design Mom: for the duration of my pregnancy, I'll be posting advice, memories and stories about pregnancy, childbirth, adoption and growing a family on Wednesdays. You can find them all by clicking here. I'd love to hear your story or memory or advice, feel free to submit it to gabrielle@designmom.com.