Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Childbirth Story from Amber Johnson

Hadley Johnson's Stork Report

On May 25, 2004, my daughter Hurricane Hadley graced the world with her presence. Her birth...and subsequent life have been a WILD ride (and I'm not just talkin' about them thar stir-ups....)

Monday, May 24th, 2004 — More than one week before Hadley's due date. Busy making final preps on our brand new house until late. Husband Jamie is incredibly stressed with projects at work and yearns to skip out. His final words to Hadley before bedtime: "If you come tomorrow, I'll buy you a car when you're 16." Daddy's final lesson before becoming a parent: be careful what you wish for. It may actually come true.

Tuesday, May 25th-1, 3, 5 and 6 a.m. — As usual, Amber waddles to the potty.

7 a.m. — Waddles to the bathroom. Discovers something unusually wet — her water possibly broke! Calls the doc who tells them to come in. Jamie rejoices about starting his two-week "vacation." The reality of his car pledge later hits him with great force.

9 a.m. — Meet with the doc. Performs various tests. Bag of waters is ruptured with a leak but is not broken. Evil woman sends Amber and Jamie home.

10 a.m. — Amber and Jamie go on long walk (a.k.a. waddle), hoping to kick things into motion. Steady leak continues but no real progress.

11:45 a.m. — Decide to grab a sandwich at Einstein Bagels. After eating, Amber blows her nose. Suddenly, the flood gates open. In very public booth #3 at Einstein's. At lunchtime. Amber hisses at Jamie to discreetly grab her some napkins to cleanup. Jamie obliges and brings back two napkins, not understanding that bag of waters is in actuality, plural. Meaning many.

12:30 p.m. — After operation "Cleanup in Booth 3," Amber casually strolls (a.k.a. waddles with soaked pants) to the Jeep. They rush to the hospital. Jamie drops her off with a grocery bag of personal items. He proceeds to park the car and bring in the suitcase.

12:45 p.m. — As Amber stealthily walks up to the nurse's station, she notes her appearance: soaked black sweats, unruly hair and a Wal-Mart bag for luggage: White Trash Incarnate. Jamie arrives with the rest of the luggage, announcing to the nurses: "Has anyone seen a strawberry-blonde with wet pants?" They chortle delightfully, later avowing his statement will go down as the funniest entrance in Birthing Center History. What a crackup.

1 p.m.-5 p.m. — Amber put on Pitocin (also known as "Pit") to induce labor. Later discovers it is actually the "pits." Light contractions begin but she can barely feel them and spends the afternoon watching Dr. Phil and Oprah with Jamie. Wonders what all those wimpy women have been whining about for centuries re: the "pains of childbirth."

5:30 p.m. — Discovers what those "wimpy women" were talking about. The hard way. Now wonders why women would knowingly choose to do this multiple times.

6 p.m. — Excruciating Pain Con't. Jamie compares Amber to Jekyl and Hyde. Cracking jokes and delightful…until the contractions hit. Jamie does a fabulous job as coach. Is instrumental in helping Amber Hyde maintain her composure.

7 p.m. — Amber's best friend Mimi the Epidural Lady arrives. About 7 excruciating contractions later than requested. Amber practices the Miracle of Forgiveness. But not until after the drug kicks in.

7:30 p.m. — Amber is a new woman and plays the waiting game until full dilation. Jamie and Amber have a delightful time talking travel with the doc and nurse. Amber ponders the mysteries of life i.e. why anyone would chose not to get an epidural. Equates it to the lunacy of climbing Everest without oxygen.

10:15 p.m. — Starts pushing. Ouch.

11:05 p.m. — Everest attained. With oxygen. But the views are nonetheless spectacular! Beautiful Hadley arrives pretty and pink. Mom Amber now understanding why women do this multiple times. Dad Jamie still worried about that new car he owes his obedient daughter....
And thus began our tale of living "Happily Ever After!" (or would that be sleepless?)

From Amber of Crazy Bloggin' Canuck and Mile High Mamas. Amber is 1 of 5 semi-finalist bloggers in Microsoft Office's Winter Games Contest — you should totally go vote for her!

Note from Design Mom: for the duration of my pregnancy, I'll be posting advice, memories and stories about pregnancy, childbirth, adoption and growing a family on Wednesdays. You can find them all by clicking here. I'd love to hear your story or memory or advice, feel free to submit it to


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Blogger Megs said...

This story was adorably written. One of my favorite pregnancy tales so far. Loved the operation clean up booth 3.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009 at 11:17:00 PM EST  
Blogger Kimberly said...

I guffawed out loud at the image of dear husband bringing 2 napkins to clean the many waters. Great post!

Thursday, November 19, 2009 at 8:53:00 AM EST  
Blogger Amber said...

Thanks ladies. I'm far enough removed that it's no longer quite as traumatic. :-)

Thursday, November 19, 2009 at 11:17:00 AM EST  
Blogger Wendy @ The Shabby Nest said...

What a great story...I laughed until I cried. ("Strawberry blond with wet pants") So funny!

Thursday, November 19, 2009 at 11:25:00 AM EST  
Blogger Design Mom said...

Amber, you are fantastic!

Thursday, November 19, 2009 at 11:27:00 AM EST  
Blogger Amber said...

I almost peed my pants laughing at this!

Thursday, November 19, 2009 at 12:08:00 PM EST  
Blogger Katherine said...

This might be my favorite pregnancy tale yet. Great post!

Thursday, November 19, 2009 at 1:39:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel like you have described by son's arrival.

Monday, November 23, 2009 at 7:33:00 AM EST  
Blogger Jess said...

Sooo cute! Brought tears to my eyes. "Now understanding why women do this multiple times" & equating it to Mt. Everest - completely agree! Love it!

Saturday, November 28, 2009 at 5:28:00 PM EST  

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