Marta Dansie's Essay on Pregnancy

I was 5 months pregnant with my first at the time I jotted this down. (Oh, how I had no idea the love I was about to learn!) Here are my thoughts as I contemplated giving life:

Feeling a Brand New Feeling

In my experience, there aren't a whole lot of new feelings to feel after you've grown up. Sure, I believe each experience is it's own, but routinely my life doesn't have a whole lot of brand newness in it. I know how it feels to feel a lot of things. Which I have never given much thought to. Until now.

For example, I know what it feels like to hold a piece of buttered toast, I know chocolate milk in a cold glass, I know corn on the cob between my teeth. I know the ocean waves slamming against my body, I know sand between my toes, I know the hot sun on my face, I know taking a shower with a sunburn. I know what a cold slab of marble feels like against my skin, I know cool grass and sizzling cement on my feet, I know cold rain on my head, I know soap in my eyes, and lemon in my wounds. I know mud in my hair and lotion on my legs. I know unsweetened baking squares in my mouth. I know gusts of wind and feeling winded. I know what it feels like to knead bread and sink my fingers into clay, I know paint on my hands, I know dried plaster on my arms. I know gum in my hair and floss in my teeth. I know the itch of chicken pox and the fear of a nightmare. I know the hurt of a high heel and the sparkle of a diamond. I know pierced ears and glossed lips. I know New York cheesecake and mom's rice pudding. I know the hug of a friend and the loss of a love. I know butterflies of a first kiss, the ache of a sad heart, the tug of a string. I know how it feels to feel elated with joy, to be surprised, to be disappointed, to laugh until I cry, to worry until I'm sick, to blush until I am red. I know forgetting my lines on stage and I know a standing ovation. I know the smell of my grandma's perfume and my dad's shoe polish. I know flying in an airplane and riding in a train car. I know views of the Swiss Alps and I know a baby sleeping on my shoulder.

I know how it feels to feel loved and to be in love.

I didn't appreciate all of these small feelings I've felt until I felt this new feeling for the very first time.

I never want to forget how incredible it feels to feel a little kick from the inside; saying hello. reminding me of the miracle growing inside. Reminding me of the miracles that are all around me. Reminding me of the miracle of new life and the miracle of my life. And how blessed I am.

When he kicks from the inside, I smile every time at this brand new feeling. And realize all the feelings he will have to look forward to. All the feelings I will get to teach him about; like finger painting on butcher paper and rolling cookie dough into shapes and blowing bubbles in the shade and jumping into salty waves of the pacific and learning how to sound out words on the page. I imagine the newness of how it feels to swing on a swing-set and sit on dad's knee and ride a horse and run a race and spit out watermelon seeds and see snowflakes fall and build blanket forts and hear the boom of fireworks. I want him to feel all of these feelings. Because I want to give him the same thrill that his little kicks give me.

I already love him. He will always know the feeling of love.

From Marta Dansie of Marta Writes.

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Note from Design Mom: for the duration of my pregnancy, I'll be posting advice, memories and stories about pregnancy, childbirth, adoption and growing a family on Wednesdays. You can find them all by clicking here. I'd love to hear your story or memory or advice, feel free to submit it to gabrielle@designmom.com.